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This article covers the transcript for the season 3 episode We're Married?

Opening[]

Josh: [looks up from a book] Have you ever been really good friends with someone you never even met before?

Drake: [looks up from a magazine] Have you ever been really thirsty, just didn't feel like getting up?

Josh: See, for over a year now, I've been e-mailing this girl from a foreign country. [telephone starts ringing] One sec. [picks up phone] Hello?

Drake: [on the phone in a bad accent] Yeah, this is Lieutenant Peterson with the San Diego Police Department.

Josh: [skeptical, knowing it's actually Drake] Oh, is it?

Drake: [still using the bad accent] Yeah, you're gonna need to get a can of soda upstairs to your brother, at code three.

Josh: [getting annoyed with Drake] Code this! [blares a whistle into the phone receiver loudly and hangs up]

[Drake hangs up the phone and heads downstairs]

Josh: Anyway, back to my e-pal Yooka. It's kinda weird to be friends with someone you've never met or even talked to on the phone, but I... [telephone rings again, as he angrily answers it again] If you call me one more time, I will take an entire bottle of maple syrup and pour all over your underwear drawer, so for the next 90 days you could walk around with sticky butt!

Walter: [confused] Josh... It's your father.

Josh: Nice try, you big doof! [hangs up the phone] Man! If he's so thirsty, why can't he come downstairs, go in the kitchen and get himself... [looks and sees Drake sitting on the couch, realizing his mistake] Ah, jeez...

Episode[]

[The scene cuts to the brothers' bedroom, where Josh is on his laptop and Drake is on the couch]

Computer: Hello Josh, two new e-mails.

Drake: [holding an orange] "Bozenge"? [writes on a notepad] Uh, "syringe"? [writes on it again]

Josh: What're you doing?

Drake: I'm trying to write a song, but I can't find a word to rhyme with "orange". Can you think of anything?

Josh: [looking at the computer, excited] YOOKA!

Drake: Okay, you have serious rhyming issues.

Josh: No, Yooka's my e-pal. You know that girl I've been emailing for the past year and a half?

Drake: Oh yeah, yeah, that chick from Yubonia?

Josh: Yudonia... [excited] and she's coming to America to visit me!

Drake: Whoa, really?

Josh: Yeah, I got to get a haircut! Yooka's coming! [runs into the door] Ow! [falls to the floor]

Drake: You alright?

Josh: [touches his forehead] I hit my forehead on the door hinge...

Drake: [picks up the orange, smiling in realization] "Door hinge"! [writes on the notepad]

[The intro begins]

-

Drake: Hey Josh, I don't think Yooka came here to sing Yudonian folk songs. She probably wants to experience more American things, like sushi and Mexican food. Right, Yooka?

-

Crazy Steve: Hey, Josh.

Josh: Oh hey, Craz- Uh, Steve.

Crazy Steve: Heh. So, I got that uh, I got that foreign film ready for ya in Theater 5.

Josh: Oh uh, oh okay. Well, um, the thing is we, we decided to see Puppet Fever instead.

Crazy Steve: Well, that's going to be a little problem. See because, when you asked me to find that movie for you, I, I spent five hours on the phone tracking it down and talking Helen into letting me screen it for you. So, now that I've done all that... [furious] SOMEBODY'S GONNA BE WATCHING ICK GLOKMAH, TONIGHT! OR ELSE SOMEBODY'S GONNA BE AN ORGAN DONOR BEFORE THEIR 17TH BIRTHDAY, JOSH NICHOLS!!!

Josh: [to Drake and Yooka] So, I'm going to see Ick Glokmah.

[The scene cuts to the living room, where Josh is pacing around waiting for Drake and Yooka. They soon enter the house]

Josh: Hey, I thought you guys were coming home right after the movie?

Drake: Oh sorry, man. But uh, Yooka wanted to see Shamu.

Josh: You went to SeaWorld without me?! THAT'S MY PLACE!

Yooka: Drake, I-I just have so wonderful of time, tonight. I will say thank you, the way we do in Yudonia. [kisses him on both cheeks] You like?

Drake: Alright. Yeah, maybe later uh, I'll show you how we say, "you're welcome" in America.

[Josh sarcastically laughs in his face, as Megan enters from the kitchen]

Megan: [holding the phone] Yooka, there is a long-distance phone call for you. I think it's your parents.

Yooka: Uh, if you boys will excuse me. [grabs the phone and goes into the kitchen]

Josh: [to Drake, hushed] YOU MAKE ME SO ANGRY!

Drake: Dude, I didn't make you sit through that dumb goat movie.

Josh: No. But ever since Yooka got here, you've been all over her, and she's my e-pal.

Drake: Okay look, hey, if it's bugging you, I'll just back off.

Josh: You swear?

Drake: Yeah, sure.

Josh: Okay. [puts a hand on Drake's shoulder] Sorry I had to get tough on you like that.

-

Blemin: Joonja! [splashes water in Drake's face]

Drake: Thank you?

-

[The scene cuts to the Premiere, where Josh is wiping down the concession stand as Drake bites his fingernails]

Josh: [smiles] You know, you're going to ruin your cuticles.

Drake: [stops, unamused] Yeah, you can make jokes. You're still single.

Josh: She just wants to stay in America. You might be technically married, but it's not like it's going to change your life.

Drake: Yeah, I just need something to get me mind off of it. [sees an attractive girl walk up to the stand] Well hello, something... [walks over and discreetly knocks her purse off the counter, picking it back up] Uh, excuse me? Is this your purse on the floor?

Allie: [takes it] Yeah, thanks. It must've fallen when I wasn't looking.

Drake: Well then, this is your lucky day.

Allie: Yeah? Why's that?

Drake: Well, you got your purse back and, I'm free tonight.

Allie: [flirts] Then it is my lucky day.

Yooka: [walks up behind her] Ahem.

Drake: Yooka? What're you doing here?

Yooka: [to Allie] You, you take your eyes off my husband! You skunk bag!

Drake: Yooka!

Allie: Husband?!

Josh: Skunk bag?

Drake: Uh, no, no! You see, I'm not really her husband. We're just married.

Allie: You're married, and you're hitting on me?!

Drake: [sheepishly chuckles] You see, there's a funny story...

[Allie smacks Drake with her purse, as she and her friend storm off into the theater]

[The scene cuts to the bedroom, where Josh is typing on his computer. Yooka is sitting on the couch and reading a magazine, as Drake enters the room holding a guitar case]

Drake: Man, what a night. I'm so wrecked. [goes to put his case down]

Josh: Hey, Drake.

Yooka: [to Drake, displeased] Yes, "hey" Drake. [stands up] Or should I say that you were supposed to be home two hours ago. And where have you been, Drake?

Drake: I was rehearsing with my band.

Yooka: You are married now. You need to start focusing on your career.

Drake: Career? I'm in high school. I don't want a career. In fact, having no career is my career! I'm very good at it!

Yooka: Oh, so I suppose you plan to let me, and your children starve.

Drake: Children?

Yooka: Yes, I want nine of them. [sits back down]

Josh: I have to pee. [gets up and leaves]

Drake: I'll go with you, Josh! [follows him into the hallway] She's talking' children, nine children! You got me into this, you find a way to get me out!

Josh: I'm trying! I was on the phone with the Yudonian embassy for an hour, I tried to get you drafted, and I even put a call-in, to Oprah!

Drake: What can Oprah do?

Josh: OPRAH, CAN DO ANYTHING! [pause] But she didn't call back.

Audrey: [from downstairs] Drake, Josh, come down here!

Drake: [sighs] What now? [goes downstairs with Josh]

-

Audrey: Okay, Drake. I just want you to calmly explain to me, [yells] WHY YOU ARE MARRIED TO THAT YUDONIAN GIRL!

Drake: Well, you see Josh arranged this-this whole friendship ceremony, but-but it turned to be a marriage ceremony.

Audrey: Josh! You did this?

Josh: What?! Drake's the one that said: [whines] "EE-NAY KURESAI M'JOONGA OON-TA-YAH" WHEN THE SUN WAS IN THE HOUSE OF KARFLOG!!

Audrey: [confused] What?

Walter: Alright, we'll just call the Yudonian embassy, and we'll have them annul the marriage.

Josh: I tried. You can't get the marriage annulled unless both the husband and wife agree. Don't worry, alright? I'm working on a plan.

Drake: Oprah is never calling you back!

Josh: No. [opens to the fridge and gets out a container, placing it on the table] Mom, Dad, just go out there and keep Yooka's parents busy for a while. [Audrey and Walter stare at him] Just trust me.

Walter: Alright, come on. [walks out with Audrey]

Drake: You really think you can fix this?

Josh: [opens the window] I think so. But just in case, [grabs a knife holder] best we don't have these in the house. [throws it out the window]

-

Yonka: Josh, this meat is magnificent! We don't have beef like this in our homeland.

Josh: Oh, oh that's not beef.

Yeesta: Oh? Then what is this meat?

Josh: It's goat.

[Yooka and her parents immediately spit out the meat onto their plates in disgust]

Yonka: GLOKMAH?!?

Yeesta: You serve us, GOAT BALLS?!

Yooka: Josh, how could you do this?

Josh: Well, it was Drake's idea. [Yooka gasps] Oh, in fact, he cooked this entire meal.

Drake: [hushed, despite being within earshot] Be quiet, Josh! They have a billion dollars!

Yooka: Drake, you know that goat is sacred in my country.

Drake: Uh yes, yes! I know, I would never serve goat to my wonderful Yudonian family with so much money!

Yonka: [puts down his plate] Family, we go... NOW!

[They all put down their plates, as they begin to leave]

Drake: Wait, wait, don't go! I love you all so much!

Yeesta: BOOSHA!

Yonka: This marriage is no more! [tears up the marriage certificate, heading out the door with his family]

Drake: [stammers] Yooka! Yooka, wait! [rushes to the door] Uh, don't go! What about the love we share? I'm sorry about the glokmah! Oh, wait! Can't I just have a few million dollars, please?

[Yooka and her family speed off as Drake closes the door in sadness]

Drake: [to his family] Boosha... [goes up to his room as the episode ends]

Credits[]

Josh: [sits at his computer] Oh Drake, check out this email from Yooka. She writes, [reads, in a poor Yudonian accent] when we got back to Yudonia, I met a wonderful boy named Akbu! We fell in love and are engaged to married. He is a big fan of American baseball, so my father bought him the Boston Red Sox! [talks normal] Man, what you think of that?

Drake: [sits on the couch, crying] Boosha! [blows his nose]

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