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This article covers the transcript for the season 4 episode Vicious Tiberius.


[The episode opens with Josh standing in the hallway at school]

Josh: I'll tell you this, handling a bad situation can be very stressful.

[The screen changes to Drake, who is lounging at home on his couch]

Drake: Watching Josh handle a bad situation can be very hysterical.

Josh: Like the time I donated blood.

Drake: Like the time he donated blood at school.

Josh: So this attractive nurse sticks a needle into my arm, right?

Drake: This insanely hot nurse shoves a needle in Josh's arm.

Josh: Oh, but nobody told me that it was the nurse's first day on the job!

Drake: It was her first day being a nurse.

Josh: So, as soon as my blood starts coming out...

Drake: And when she sees the first drop of Josh's blood...

Josh: She faints!

Drake: She passes out.

Josh: And when she fell down, the tube slipped off the needle, and my blood just started spurtin' all over the room! SPURTIN'!

Drake: Josh's arm was spewin' blood like a garden hose!

Josh: Oh yeah, so after I lose like a quart of blood, I passed out.

Drake: Then he fainted.

Josh: I was so unconscious, I got blood all over my blue sweater.

Drake: Yeah, good times.

Josh: [shows his bloodstained sweater] Look at this sweater! LOOK AT IT!


[The scene cuts to Mrs. Hayfer's classroom, where the students are anything but interested]

Mrs. Hayfer: You know, another interesting piece of trivia about Mark Twain is that before he was an author, he worked for a company that manufactured chewing gum. So, I guess you could call him a "Chew-Chew Twain". [chuckles, but they don't] Why don't you people ever laugh at my jokes?! [bell rings] Okay, don't forget to hand in your essays before you leave.

Josh: [hands in a folder, containing his essay] Here's my essay, Mrs. Hayfer.

Mrs. Hayfer: [collects it] Oh, how nice. I am a sucker for translucent lavender.

Josh: [smiles] Well, who isn't?

[Drake hands in his essay, and is about to leave]

Mrs. Hayfer: Drake.

Drake: [stops] Yes, ma'am.

Mrs. Hayfer: You were supposed to hand in an essay on current events.

Drake: Yeah, which I did.

Mrs. Hayfer: No. [shows his "essay"] This is today's newspaper with your name written on top, in crayon.

Drake: Well, you can't get more current than today's paper. Right, Josh?

Josh: Oh, please leave me out of this...

Mrs. Hayfer: You know what this means, Drake.

Drake: An "F"?

Mrs. Hayfer: Oh, that is one question you always get right! And guess what else?

Drake: What?

Mrs. Hayfer: I hate you.

Drake: I know.

[They are about to leave, as Mrs. Hayfer's phone rings]

Mrs. Hayfer: Oh, stay. [answers it] Hello? Yes Marta, what is it? Oh, I see... No, I'm not angry. It's fine. [snaps] I said I'm not angry, goodbye! [hangs up]

Josh: Is everything okay?

Mrs. Hayfer: No, my housekeeper just canceled for the weekend. I'm going away, and now I have no one to watch my house.

Josh: Really?

Drake: Oh, don't do it...

Josh: [excited] Well, I'll do it!

Drake: So he does it...

Mrs. Hayfer: Josh, that is very sweet. But I have a dog and lots of plants, you don't...

Josh: Well I'm great with dogs, and plants. When I was little, I had a poodle and a fern, I named them both Jerry.

Drake: Of course you did...

Mrs. Hayfer: Well I am stuck, if you really don't mind...

Josh: I'm all over it.

Mrs. Hayfer: Well thank you, Josh. And as for you, Drake, I spent five years in post-graduate school to become a teacher, I've won three National Teaching Awards. I'd appreciate if you would show me and my assignments due respect.

Drake: [whispers, pointing at her nose] You know, you got a little booger up there. If you don't get it...

[Mrs. Hayfer furiously charges at Drake, who runs as Josh holds her back]

Josh: It's not worth it! It's not worth it!

[The intro begins]


Walter: I'm gonna be here all night working out.

Drake: Ha!

Walter: It's not funny!


Josh: It stopped.

Drake: Yeah.

Josh: Maybe he went into another room. Go outside and check.

Drake: You check!

Josh: No, I'm scared!


[The scene changes back to Drake and Josh]

Drake: Well?

Josh: No answer.

Drake: You probably dialed the wrong number. Let me see it...

Josh: No, I think I know our own number.

Drake: Dude, just let me try... [they both fight over the phone, which lands in the toilet] Nice! [sees Josh's phone in the toilet]

Josh: It's your fault. Go get it.

Drake: I'm not putting my hand in there! That's where Mrs. Hayfer pees!

Josh: Probably doesn't even work anymore.

Drake: Yeah, well, let's see. [flushes the toilet, including Josh's phone] It still works.

Josh: I knew the toilet still worked, Drake. I MEANT MY PHONE!

Drake: Oh, well, that's gone.


Megan: [offscreen] Hello? Anybody home?

Josh: Who's that?

Drake: It sounds like Megan.

Megan: [offscreen] Drake? Josh?

Josh: That is Megan, how does she know? Oh, no, she's outside with Tiberius!

Drake: Oh, he'll eat her alive!

Josh: C'mon! [tries to open the door but Drake puts his foot on the door] Dude!

Drake: [blocks the door] Well, just 'cause she gets eaten, doesn't mean we have to.

Josh: That's our little sister out there, we've gotta help her!

Drake: Alright.

Josh: C'mon. [they come out of the bathroom and see Megan with Tiberius, who is now docile as Josh loudly whispers] Megan! Run!

Megan: I don't wanna run.

Drake: But, he's vicious...

Megan: Yeah, he's real vicious. [to Tiberius] Ooh, down, boy. You're so scary.

[Drake and Josh walk by to her]

Josh: I don't get it. Well, he's all calm.

Drake: Evil dog, evil girl. Makes perfect sense.

Megan: Where have you two been? You were supposed to pick me up two hours ago.

Josh: How'd you know we were here?

Megan: Dad said you were stopping here and then picking me up, which you didn't.

Josh: We couldn't.

Drake: Yeah, we were trapped here by this demon dog.

Megan: What're you talking about?

Josh: When you're not around, he goes all berserk and tries to kill us.

Megan: Really?

Drake/Josh: Yeah/Uh-huh.

Megan: [satisfied] See ya. [leaves]

[After Megan leaves the house, Tiberius traps Drake and Josh in the bathroom again]


Animal Control Guy: [from the living room] Hello, anyone home?

Drake: [to Josh, hushed] Now who's here?

Animal Control Guy: Hello, animal control.

Josh: Animal control!

[They open the door]

Drake: Hey.

Josh: Hi.

Animal Control Guy: You boys have a canine issue?

Drake: Uh yeah, h-how'd you know?

Animal Control Guy: Yeah, we got a call from one of the neighbors. Said she had heard loud barking and girls screaming all night long. Are you the screaming girls?

Drake/Josh: Maybe./Sorta.

Animal Control Guy: Okay, where's the dog?

Drake: We're not sure.

Josh: But-but, you-you should probably put on some protective padding or something.

Drake: Yeah, this dog is big and way out of control!

Animal Control Guy: Look boys, I've been doing this 11 years. Don't worry about me. I can handle any dog situation that could possibly...

[Tiberius enters the room, barking at his new target. The officer screams as he tries to run, bumping into Drake and Josh as passes the latter his snare pole. He retreats to the bathroom, slamming the door behind him. They also rush to the bathroom with Tiberius giving chase, running into the door which bumps aside the officer. Josh unfortunately blocks their way in with the pole, but moves it just in time to get inside and close the door]

[The scene cuts sometime later to the bathroom, where the trio are still stranded. Josh lies against the sink, Drake sits against the door, and the officer sits on the toilet]

Drake: So, you've been an animal control guy for 11 years, huh?

Josh: Trained to handle any kind of dog situation, have ya?

Animal Control Guy: I've never seen a dog like this one. I've never seen anything this scary, and I fought in 'Nam!

Drake: 'Nam?

Animal Control Guy: You know, Vietnam?

Drake: Where's that, New Jersey?

[The officer looks baffled as Josh rolls his eyes]

Animal Control Guy: [to Josh] What's wrong with him?

Josh: Yeah, we're not sure.

Drake: [stands up, to Josh] Look, do you wanna spend the rest of our Saturday night insulting me, or do you wanna figure a way outta here?

Josh: Well, [to the officer] I-I mean you're the animal control guy! Why don't you go out there and control that beast?

Animal Control Guy: Nah, uh-uh. I'm not going out there and let that monster chew my butt off, I'm gonna sit right here on this toilet. Thank you, very much.

Josh: Well fine, we're getting out of here. [to Drake] Right now.

Animal Control Guy: Good luck, Hamburger Meat. [to Drake] Hey, hand me that bar of soap over there. [Drake hands him a soap bar, beginning to whittle it until he notices them watching] What, you've never seen a man whittlin' on a toilet?

Drake: Actually, no.

Josh: No, we haven't.

[The officer shrugs and resumes his whittling]

Drake: [to Josh] Alright, so how you wanna do this?


Drake: I don't know, it's kind of risky.

Animal Control Guy:

Drake: [disgusted] Yeah, let's do it.


[The scene returns to Mrs. Hayfer's house, where Walter runs along her porch, stopping at the open doorway]

Walter: Hello? [enters] Drake? Josh?

Animal Control Guy: [from the bathroom] Hello? Who's that?

[Curious, Walter goes to door and peeks behind it to see the officer still whittling his soap bar]

Animal Control Guy: [looks up at Walter] S'up?

Walter: Hello.

Animal Control Guy: [shows Walter his soap carving] I made a duck.

[Confused by this interaction, Walter closes the door and continues searching for his sons]

Walter: Drake? Josh? [Tiberius renters the house] Hey... [Tiberius barks] Nice doggy!

[The scene cuts back to Drake and Josh, watching TV]

Drake: So why do they call it New Jersey, if they've never even had a plain, Old Jersey?

Josh: I don't know, I wasn't at the meeting. Hey, turn to Channel 5, I'm gonna go grab a drink. [goes to the kitchen]

[Drake changes the channel, just as Walter runs into the house, screaming as Tiberius chases him. He goes out the back door as Drake turns to the window, before facing the TV again. Josh returns with a drink, and sits back down next to Drake]

Drake: So, is this there an Old Hampshire?

[Josh ignores him and watches TV, as the episode ends]


[In response to the question, Josh takes the popcorn bowl and dumps its contents all over Drake]

Drake: Right.

[Josh grabs popcorn off of Drake, even using his mouth to grab a kernel on his earlobe. Drake also grabs the popcorn off himself, as he and Josh continue watching TV]