Drake and Josh Wiki

[The cold open ends, cutting to Drake and Josh's bedroom, where the latter is sitting on the couch, using his laptop.]

Josh: [begins typing] General Cornwallis continued to chase Washington's army through New Jersey, until the Americans withdrew across the Delaware River. [stops typing]

[Megan enters the room, talking on the phone]

Megan: Because I am an expert on ice cream toppings! Okay, I admit some people call them jimmies, but everybody I know calls them sprinkles. Well, I'm not from the South! Fine, I'll look it up on the Web right now.

Josh: [typing] While the Americans withdrew... [Megan takes his laptop and begins to leave] Megan? [she turns face Josh] I was doing my homework!

Megan: [sarcastically] I'm on the phone! [leaves the room]

Josh: And now, I'm laptopless... [grabs a notepad and begins to write] General Cornwallis, or as his friends called him, "J-Corn"... [continues to write]

[Drake enters the room]

Drake: Dude, this Saturday night, we are so hooked up!

Josh: Where are we going?

Drake: Oh, nowhere. Just to see your favorite band, the Hailstones.

Josh: [excited] Boy, shut yo mouth!

Drake: Ah, ah, it's open!

Josh: The Hailstones are playing in San Diego?

Drake: Yeah, at the Reptile Room.

Josh: Oh, that is so... Man, we can't get into the Reptile Room, you have to be over 21.

Drake: You are, Mr... Yakitori! [gives Josh a fake ID]

Josh: [takes ID] What's this?

Drake: Fake ID. Here, check mine out. [hands Josh his ID]

Josh: [reads ID] Jefferson Steelflex?

Drake: [smiles] Yeah, I made it up.

Josh: [sarcastically] Oh, REALLY? So, you're suggesting that we use fake IDs to get into a nightclub posing as... [reads both IDs again] Jefferson Steelflex and Alvin Yakitori?

Drake: Yep. And hey, we gotta be there before 10:30 because I'm pretty sure...

Josh: It's illegal to use fake IDs!

Drake: Yeah, well it's illegal to rob banks, but people do it.

Josh: Yes, people who are BANK ROBBERS! Alright? I'm not using a fake ID. [sits in a swivel chair]

Drake: Come on... [turns Josh to face him] The Hailstones, Joshy's favorite band... Come on, the Reptile Room serves churros...

Josh: [intrigued] Churros?

Drake: [sits down] It's not like we're gonna drink or anything, we're just gonna go and listen to some music.

Josh: Yeah...

Drake: Dude, everybody uses fake IDs, it's not gonna be a problem.

[Josh begins to think about the plan as the doorbell rings. The scene cuts to Walter answering the door at night, to a guilty Drake and Josh, both accompanied by two police officers.]

Josh: [ashamed] Dad?

Drake: [waves sheepishly] Walter?

[Walter disappointingly turns to face Audrey, who is shocked at the situation as the scene cuts to the intro. We return back to the house, where Walter and Audrey are looking at the fake IDs.]

Audrey: Jefferson Steelflex?

Walter: Alvin Yakitori?

Drake: They can be names.

Josh: Yeah, on Planet CRAZYTRON!

Walter: [to Drake] You know, I can almost understand you doing something this stupid, [to Josh] but YOU??

Josh: [whiny] He tempted me with churros!

Audrey: That's your excuse? A fried, Mexican pastry?!

Josh: Have you ever tasted one?

Officer Becker: [to Walter and Audrey] Uh, can we talk to you two, privately?

Audrey: Of course.

Walter: [to Drake and Josh] Uh, both of you, um, in the closet.

Drake and Josh: Closet?

Walter: CLOSET! [The boys go to the closet] Now officers, I know they broke the law, but...

Officer Dobbins: Don't worry, don't worry, they're not under arrest.

Audrey: Thank you.

Walter: Believe me, they're gonna be grounded for a long time.

Audrey: What good does that do? They've been grounded a hundred times.

Officer Dobbins: Well, if you really want to make an impression on them, our department does have a Steered Straight program.

Audrey: What's that?

Officer Dobbins: We come in, we handcuff them, and show them what it's like to get arrested.

Officer Becker: It's a very effective program, it's teaches kids what can happen if they break the law.

Officer Dobbins: Yeah, here's a pamphlet. [hands it to Walter]

Walter: Oh! [takes pamphlet]

Officer Becker: And this is our card, [hands it to Audrey] just give us a call if you decide you want to do it.

Walter: Thank you, officers.

Audrey: We really appreciate it.

Officer Becker: Not a problem. [begins to head out the door with Dobbins]

Walter: Have a good night.

Officer Dobbins: [stops and turns to face Walter] Wait, wait, aren't you the weather guy from Channel 2?

Walter: [feeling proud] That's right, I am. [The officers suddenly burst into laughter as they leave. Walter disappointingly closes the door, as he turns to Audrey, who looks concerned.] Why does everyone do that?

[The scene cuts to a new day at the house, where Walter is seen standing on a podium, in a pink dress. Audrey is straightening the bottom ends of the dress on each side.]