Instructor: And hold it. Hold it. Hold it!
[Drake accidentally fires the potato at Josh's hip, causing the weightlifter to drop on his foot. This is followed by the latter jumping and screaming in extreme pain]
Drake: [sheepish] It works.
[Josh gives Drake a vicious glare that screams "OH YOU THINK?!" then stumbled on the ground with a thud]
Drake: Josh! Oh here come on let me take to the hospital.
Josh: [stammering] I'll be fine.
Drake: Come on. You said it was broken. [carrying Josh, standing on one foot]
Josh: I'm not going to any hospital! [hopping on one foot] I'm sure it's just a bruise. [sat down on the chair]
Drake: Man. I don't know what happened. [walked over getting his defected potato cannon] I just shoved the potato in here but it wasn't supposed to go off until I pressed...
Josh: [angrily looking at Drake and grabbed the cannon away from him then threw out the window but was followed by the cannon shooting another potato and landed on Josh's bruised foot]
-
Megan: [grabs her drink and sees a bug on the wall] Mom, there's a bug on the wall.
Audrey: [on her laptop] Josh, go kill the bug.
Josh: [gets up but can't do to his injured food] Go kill the bug.
Drake: I don't want to kill the bug.
Walter: Josh, she asked you to do it. [Josh gets an orange and kills the bug, but he misses]
Walter: Get up and go SQUISH THAT BUG!
Audrey: Right now!
Josh: [nervously] Okay. [he gets up and walks with a cane as he tries to kill the bug]
Audrey: Okay, what up with the cane?
Josh: Uh this? Uh. Uh. I um, I use it to kill bugs and whatnot. [kills the bug with a cane] See? [falls down to the floor]
Walter: [gets up] JOSH! [he and Audrey Walk up to him after he falls to the floor] What's the matter with you?
Josh: I don't know! This house is tilted!
Megan: No! Josh crushed his foot, and he refuses to go to the hospital.
Audrey: [worried] You what?
Walter: Let's get his shoe off. [he and Audrey took him to sit on a chair]
Josh: Look, d-don't even worry about it, alright. [Walter takes off his shoe] I'm-I'm sure it's-it's fine, it doesn't really even hurt any mo-WHOA!!! [he, Walter, Audrey, and Megan yell at his badly injured left foot after he dropped a barbell on it by Drake, much to his horror]
Audrey: OH, NO!!!
Walter: AH!!! JOSH!!!
[they look at Josh's injured foot which is swollen and bruised]
Megan: Cool!
Drake: It looks like mom's meatloaf! [his parents stare at him] Which tastes so good.
Audrey: How did this happen?
Drake: He dropped a barbell on it.
Josh: Yeah, after you shot me with a potato.
Audrey: A potato?
Drake: It's a long story.
Walter: Why didn't you tell us about this?!
Josh: [worried] Cause I'm afraid of hospitals, alright?!
Walter: Oh, come on!
Audrey: Do you know how serious this could be?
Walter: You could lose that foot!
Josh: [whining] But I love this foot!
Audrey: Come on, we need to get him to the hospital right now.
[as Drake leaves, Audrey and Walter help Josh to get to the hospital]
Megan: If they have to remove his foot, can I, have it?
Walter and Audrey: No!
[The scene transitions to an outside view of St. Schneider's Hospital before transitioning once more to the waiting room where Josh (who is in a wheelchair), Walter, Megan and Audrey are waiting. Drake is nowhere to be seen.]
Josh: What's taking so long?
Audrey: They have to develop the x-rays.
Josh: I hate this place.
Audrey: Just be patient. Get it? "Patient"? [Laughs but Josh, Walter and Megan give her unamused looks]
Audrey: Oh, why do I try?
Walter: Seriously, Josh, I don't know why you're so freaked out by hospitals.
[Just then, three Paramedics wheel in a seriously injured patient on a gurney while a nurse follows them]
Paramedic: Hurry hurry! Somethings gone wrong! Oh, code red! Code red!
Nurse: What's wrong with him?!
Paramedic: I don't know!
Josh: I'm outta here!
[Josh tries to wheel away on his wheelchair, but Walter grabs the handles and pushes him back. Josh crosses his arms in frustration.]
Audrey: Look, here comes Drake with your frozen yogurt.
Josh: Uh, good. Uh, did they have French vanilla?
Drake: Yep.
[Josh tries to eat the frozen yogurt but notices the cup is empty]
Josh: It's empty.
Drake: Yeah...
Josh: [Gives the empty cup to Drake] Headaches!
Dr. Lindy: Hi. Sorry to keep you all waiting.
Walter: That's okay, doc.
Audrey: How do his x-rays look?
Dr. Lindy: Well, not so good.
Megan: Are you going to have to cut off his foot?
Dr. Lindy: No, it's not that serious. But his foot will require a bit of surgery.
Josh: See ya!
[Josh again tries to wheel away on his wheelchair, but Walter grabs the handles and pulls him back. Josh again crosses his arms in frustration.]
Audrey: Stop that. [To Dr. Lindy] So he really needs surgery?
Dr. Lindy: Yes. If he wants to have complete mobility of his left foot, we will have to operate.
Walter: Will you be doing the procedure?
Dr. Lindy: No, we'll get him a foot specialist.
Josh: Specialist?!
Audrey: And when does the surgery take place?
Dr. Lindy: A few hours.
Josh: [Squeals]
Dr. Lindy: I'll have a nurse check him into a room.
Walter: Thank you.
Josh: Oh, they're gonna carve me up like a Christmas ham!
Drake: Relax, she said it wasn't serious.
Audrey: You'll be fine. Now listen, your father is gonna stay here with you while I take Megan home.
Josh: Uh, actually, Dad, could you run home and pick me up like a couple magazines and my laptop? Y'know Cause I'm gonn be waiting around for a while.
Walter: You got it, kid.
Audrey: Megan, don't you want to say something to your brother before you go?
Megan: I hope you don't die.
Josh: [Unnerved] Love you, too. [To Drake] Man, I'm scared.
Drake: Don't be scared, man. Look, I'm gonna stay right here with you, okay? You got nothing to worry about.
[Drake's phone beeps.]
Drake: Oh, hang on a second. Got a text message. Woah! Ariani just invited me over to go night swimming!
Josh: Wa-wa-wa-wait. You're just going to leave me here all alone?
Drake: Ariani? Night swimming? Dude, I got to go.
[Drake goes to leave but he sees a group of student nurses and he stops in his tracks.]
Nurse Leader of Students: Alright, student nurses, we're going to take a five-minute break and then continue with our tour.
[Drake walks back to Josh]
Drake: I'm gonna stay right here with you, man. [Reassuringly pats his shoulder]
[The scene transitions to Josh on a hospital bed using his laptop]
Josh: [Reading a website] "Once the foot is drained, the surgeon must carefully and slowly scrape the metatarsal bones"? [Gags] Woozy! [Closes his laptop]
[A doctor walks in and picks up a clipboard.]
Doctor: Good afternoon.
Josh: Hey, doc. Uh, look, I was just on the internet reading about foot surgery, and I wanted to ask you a couple question-.
[The doctor pulls down his mask revealing himself to be Drake]
Drake: Yes?
Josh: What are you doin'?!
Drake: Playin' doctor.
Josh: "Playing"?
Drake: Yeah, dude, this hospital is like crawling with cute nurses.
Josh: So? They're all, like, in their 20s. They don't wanna go out with some guy in high school.
Drake: Exactly, so I found this closet with doctor's stuff, put it on, and in the past half hour I made, like, four dates with the hottest nurses.
Josh: What?! You can't do that!
Drake: Sure, I can! Look, uh Michelle's Thursday, Kristan's Friday, LaTisha's Saturday.
[Josh grabs a sandwich and throws it at Josh]
Drake: Ow! You hurt me with a sandwich!
Josh: [pulls Drake close] Come here! You can't impersonate a doctor; it's against the law!
Drake: I'm not impersonating a doctor; I'm pretending to be one.
Josh: Pretending to be a doctor is illegal. If they catch you, they will put you in jail!
Drake: I would not do well in jail...
Josh: [matter of fact] Yeah.
-
Josh: I kissed your wife.
Drake: [stops, turns to face Josh] What?
Josh: I kissed, your wife!
Drake: Uh...
Nurse 1: Dr. Nussbaum's married?
Josh: Yes!
Nurse 2: But he asked me out.
Nurse 3: He asked me out.
Nurse 4: He made out with me!
Dr. Carlson: [impressed] Nussbaum, you dog. Is there anything this man can't do?
Doctor: We should do the surgery.
Dr. Carlson: Yes, doctor, we really should...
Drake: [plays along with Josh] You kissed my wife?!
Josh: I can't help it! She's so pretty and sweet smelling!
Dr. Carlson: Doctor, I realize this is touchy subject for you...
Drake: I can't believe you, Vichyssoise! After everything we've been through together at Harvard!
Josh: Well, it is your fault!
Drake: My fault?!?
Josh: Yes, you do not satisfy her needs!
-
Josh: [as Dr. Vichyssoise, smiling] I'm sorry I kissed your wife.
Drake: [smiles, playing along] How was she?
Josh: Oh, excellent!
-
Dr. Carlson: Yes well, I was just coming to talk to you about that. Until I ran into somebody out in the elevator.
[Another doctor enters from behind him]
Drake: Who's he?
Dr. Carlson: This is Dr. Nussbaum.
Josh: [points at Drake] You mean he's an impostor?!?
Dr. Carlson: It would appear so...
[Drake looks at Josh for ideas, only for him to shrug in response. Then, two police officers enter from behind the curtain]
Dr. Carlson: Are you aware, that you can go to prison for impersonating a doctor?
[As the group closes in, Drake looks around for means to escape. With little to no options, he then jumps out the window, roughly landing in a shrub]
Drake: Ow!
[The group looks out the window, then slowly turn to Josh, who gives them a sheepish look. The scene cuts to the living room, where Drake and Josh arrive home]
Josh: I cannot believe you jumped out that window.
Drake: I can't believe I broke my arm...