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This article covers the transcript for the season 4 episode Mindy Loves Josh.

Opening[]

Josh: Okay. Women, sometimes can be tricky.

Drake: Girls are so easy to figure out. [eats a marshmallow]

Josh: Like, when I was in the fourth grade, this girl named Becky Hummus said she had a crush on me.

Drake: Like last year, this girl Allison Fletcher asked me out.

Josh: But Becky didn't really like me.

Drake makes a sculpture out of marshmallows.

Drake: But Allison wasn't really into me.

Josh: She just knew that every day in my sack lunch, I brought Doodle Cakes.

Josh was cutting his hair.

Drake: She was just trying to make her ex-boyfriend jealous.

Josh: [shocked] I was being used!

Drake: [smiles] I was being used.

Josh: [continues to cut his hair] That semester, she ate almost every Doodle Cake I brought to school.

Drake: Then she got back together with her ex-boyfriend.

Josh: By the end of fourth grade, she weighed over 200 pounds.

Drake: I kinda missed Allison. So, I started making out with her sister.

Josh: And now, Becky Hummus wears gigantic pants.

Drake: I think her sister kisses even better.

Josh: You know, they make fat-free Doodle Cakes now.

Drake: I wonder if they have a third sister.

Josh: [combs his hair, smiling] But it's too late for Becky.

Episode[]

[The scene cuts to the living room, where Josh and his girlfriend Mindy, are working on a school project in the dining room]

Josh: Okay, so I think we should set the transformer to 125 volts.

Mindy: Yeah, I don't think we're gonna need that much power if we're gonna be using mirrors to hyper-focus the pulse beam.

Josh: You know what we're hyper-focusing on right now?

Mindy: Tell me.

Josh: Your lips.

Mindy: Mmm! Josh, you make me tingle like a five-gigawatt capacitor.

[Josh and Mindy kiss as Drake enters the living room]

Drake: Hey, Josh. [to Mindy, the two stop kissing] Whack-job.

Mindy: Underachiever.

Drake: What is all this stuff? (picks up item)

Josh: They're items for our science fair project! (snatches item from Drake) Paws off!

Drake: Wait, you two are working together on a science fair project? What happened to the big rivalry between you two?  

Mindy: Well, now that we're a couple, we've decided to combine our brainpower and work as a team.

Josh: Yeah. We're building a hyperbolic photon cannon.

Drake: [already bored] Oh, wow. I'm hungry. [goes to the kitchen]

Josh: Now that he's gone...

[Megan enters the living room]

Megan: Hey!

Josh and Mindy: [both of them hit their heads] Ow!

[Megan smiles]

Josh: What do you want?

Megan: There are a couple of guys outside stealing your bike.   

Josh: Aw, I just lubed the chain! [runs to the door] Hands off my ride! Hey! [closes the door behind him]

Mindy: Maybe I should call the police.

Megan: Nah, nobody's stolen his bike.

Mindy: Then what'd you tell him that for? You got him all upset for nothing.

Megan: [crosses her arms, feeling proud] Yeah.

[The intro begins]

[The scene cuts to the living room, where Megan is examining the parts for the science project]

Megan: Cool laptop.

Mindy: Oh, thanks.

Megan walks to look at the PearBook laptop.

Megan: Ew. What website is this?

Mindy: Oh. That's SkinIllnesses.com. I was just looking up some stuff for my biology homework.

Megan: Why is this guy's face all purplish?

Mindy: He's got the Bangkok River Rash.  

Megan: Sweet.

Drake walks in.

Drake: What's sweet?

Megan: What are you eating?

Drake: A big cookie.  

Megan: That was my big cookie!

Drake spits out the cookie from his mouth and onto his hand. He shows the chewed-up cookie pieces to Megan.

Drake: Want it back?

Megan gives Drake a grossed-out expression on her face. Drake puts the chewed-up cookie back into his mouth and walks away.

Megan: [to Mindy] Hey, this skin disease website...  

Mindy: Yeah?

Megan: Email me the link, would you?

Mindy: Are you gonna do something bad to Drake?

Megan: Probably.

Mindy: Excellent.

Josh walks in.

Josh: There's no one stealing my bike.

Megan: I know. Later. [goes upstairs]

Josh: [sees Mindy using a screwdriver] Hey, what are you doing with the plasma coil?

Mindy: Recalibrating the pulse rate to 70 megahertz.

Josh: I thought we agreed on 50 megahertz to keep the photon bubbles small.

Mindy: Will you trust me on this? I have won the science fair the past five years in a row.

Josh: I knew it.

Mindy: What?

Josh: You don't respect my scientific intellect!

Mindy: Of course I do. Look, obviously we both have totally different ideas when it comes to hyperbolic photon cannonries, so why don't we each just make our own photon cannon for the science fair? [Josh murmurs] And that way, we can spend less time arguing and more time kissing.

Josh: Hmm. Okay. We'll each make our own photon cannon.

Mindy: That's my boy. (looks at watch) Ooh. I better get home.

Mindy gathers her stuff.

Josh: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's almost 7:30.

Josh escorts Mindy to the door.

Mindy: Are you sure you're okay with this?

Josh: Are you sure you're okay with this? (kisses Mindy's lips)

Mindy: Very okay with that, I love you.

[Josh chuckles sheepishly]

Josh: (nervous) See you in chemistry. [slams the door, as he screams and runs away]

[The scene cuts to the brothers' bedroom, where Drake is seen aiming a slingshot at three soda cans]

Drake: Two-for-two.

[Josh runs in, scared]

Josh: DRAKE!!!!

Drake: Hang on, I'm busy.

Josh: Mindy just told me she loves me!

Drake: WHAT? (Throws slingshot pellet at Josh's eye)

Josh: (stumbles backwards on the couch, holding his eye)

Drake: Mindy told you she loves you?!

Josh: Yes!

Drake: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! [runs to the door, closing it] No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! [runs to the window, putting the shade down] Okay, you tell me. Tell me exactly how you responded when Mindy said, "I love you".

Josh: (stammers) I didn't know what to say, so I just said (whimpers) "see you in chemistry", and then I slammed the door in her face!

Drake: Josh, when a girl says, "I love you", that is a time to cut and run.

Josh: You mean, like break up with her?

Drake: Yes. Now, there are a few ways you could do this.

Josh: Drake, I don't want to break up...

Drake: You could fake your own death. Now that's the cleanest way, but it might freak Mom and Dad out and they'll have to move to another state.

Josh: Will you listen to me?

Drake: You could always become a woman, but that involves all that surgery and then you'd have to...

Josh: Drake! What if I love her back? [Drake slaps his face] Why'd you slap me?

Drake: Cause you're talking crazy.

Josh: No, I might love her.

Drake: [slaps Josh again] Whoa. Your cheeks make different sounds when they're slapped.

Josh: What?

Drake: Yeah. Check it out. (repeatedly slaps Josh in the face) They're like, semi-tone apart.

Josh: No! Are you done insulting my face?

Drake: Do you seriously think you might be in love with Mindy?

Josh: I don't know. Maybe. I gotta think this through. [walks away, then walks back up to Drake] Oh, you know what else?

Drake: What?

[Josh punches Drake]

[The scene cuts to Megan's room, where she is on her computer]

Megan: Skin diseases. Let's see... [reads] Derma Temeculitis. A rare skin affliction which causes the hands and feet to turn a sickly greenish color. Nice. Cure, cure, cure... Ah. [reads] the only known cure requires an unusually painful series of injections by needle into the afflicted areas. Awesome! [continues reading] There are some rumored home remedies, but they're highly unpleasant and may or may not be effective in curing Derma Temeculitis. [grabs her soda and takes a sip before smiling] Interesting.

[The scene cuts to the living room, where Drake is asleep on the couch while watching TV. Megan sneaks over, wearing gloves and holding a gun full of green paint. She carefully lifts Drake's left hand, sprays it with the paint]

[In the morning, Josh is seen pacing nervously around his room, thinking of what to say to Mindy]

Josh: Mindy, it's great that you love me, and... I have some feelings for you too, but... No, that sounds lame. Uh... Mindy, I'm in the promises of becoming a woman, so I'm worried that...

[Drake runs in, screaming]

Drake: Oh, my God, Josh! What's wrong? What happened?! [shows Josh his hands, now completely dyed green]

Josh: Whoa! Whoa!!! WHOA!!!!! Why are your hands green?!

Drake: I don't know! I woke up, went to the bathroom and my hands were green!

Josh: Well, did you try washing them?

Drake: For ten minutes! I even used soap!

Josh: Just calm down! We'll look it up online.

[Drake shows his hands] I'm just gonna go around you. [walks on top of the couch, around Drake, as he sits by a computer and hurriedly types]

Drake: Hurry!

Josh: Uh, we'll go to WhatsWrongWithMyBody.com.

Drake: WhatsWrongWithMyBody.com?

Josh: I have it bookmarked. And we'll go to "skin illness green hands gross".

Drake: Well, what's it say?

Josh: What?

Credits[]

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