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This article covers the transcript for the season 2 episode Driver's License.

Opening[]

Episode[]

[Josh finishes his test and shuts his car door]

Old Driving Instructor: Don't slam the door! This isn't one of your teenage parties.

Josh: Sorry.

Old Driving Instructor: Now, Mr. Nichols, I assume you expect a driver's license.

Josh: Look, if I could just retake the test, perhaps with someone less angry, I...

Old Driving Instructor: Don't interrupt me! You passed.

Josh: But if you use some... I passed?

Old Driving Instructor: Yes, you hear good? You're an excellent driver. [gives him a paper] Now, go get your license before I change my mind.

Josh: Wow! Aw, this is awesome. Thank you. [hugs her]

Old Driving Instructor: Agh! Get off me before I call the cops. [walks away]

Josh: I'm street legal! [runs inside to get his license]

[Drake finishes his test as he pulls up]

Carly: That was the most fun driving test I've ever given.

Drake: So, uh, where do I pick up my driver's license?

Carly: You don't.

Drake: Oh, Carly, seriously, uh, where do I pick it up?

Carly: Uh, Drake, I'm sorry, but I can't pass you.

Drake: Why not?

Carly: Well, let's see. [looks at her clipboard] You ran four stop signs, two red lights, drove on the sidewalk, rear-ended a firetruck... Oh, and you almost ran over an old lady in a wheelchair!

Drake: Well, she was haggin' the lane.

Carly: Drake, you're a great kid, but bad driver. Anyway, call me. I love to hear your band play. [walks away]

Drake: Hey, you owe $3.75 for that combo meal!

Old Lady: What's the matter with you?!

-

Megan: Hey, Drake. Will you drive me to oboe practice?

-

[The scene cuts to the brothers' bedroom at night, where Drake is trying to wake up Josh]

Drake: Josh, you awake? Josh? [grabs his guitar and plays it, waking up Josh] Oh, good, you're up. Here, [throws him car keys] let's go get some tacos, you drive.

Josh: What? [looks at the clock] It's 3 A.M. [rolls under his blanket]

Drake: Yeah, I like to call it the taco hour.

Josh: Go make some. We have taco stuff in the kitchen.

Drake: Yeah, but Chez Taco's only a few miles away. Come on, just give me a ride.

Josh: No, I will not drive into the night on some Mexican adventure.

Drake: Okay, I thought that a corn shell full of beef and cheese would be a small reward for, I don't know, helping you keep your driver's license.

Josh: Okay, that's it. Stop dropping guilt bombs on me. You did me a favor, and I appreciate it. But now you're trying to take advantage of me, and I won't have it, you hear me?

Drake: Oh, I hear you, and maybe Dad's gonna hear me when I tell him that you ran a stop sign and got a pretty little traffic ticket. What do you say to that?

Josh: I say, [pauses] it's taco time! [leaves the room with Drake]

-

Denise: [to Drake] Wow, he is a really bad chauffeur.

Josh: I am not a chauffeur, I'm his brother!

Drake: Chives!

Josh: Stop calling me Chives! I'm not even sure Chives is a real name. And if you wanna go to the beach so bad, [moves to the passenger seat] you drive!

Drake: Well, fine, I will! [moves up to the driver seat, accidentally hitting Denise]

Denise: Ow!

Drake: Denise, you just relax. [starts the engine, as a police siren is heard] Cops...

[A police car pulls up from behind, as Drake turns off the engine]

Josh: [satisfied] Sweet, sweet karma!

[Two officers step out, as the driving officer walks over to Drake's window]

Police Officer: Son, you know you have a tail light out?

Josh: Yeah, stick it to him copper!

Police Officer: May I see your driver's license, please?

Drake: Uh, yeah, about that...

Josh: Go ahead and tell him, Drake. Tell him how you don't have a driver's license.

Denise: [to Drake] You don't have your license?

Josh: No, he doesn't. That's why I had to drive you around all night.

Police Officer: Wait, so you were driving this car?

Josh: Yeah, why?

Police Officer: You have a tail light out. Afraid I'm gonna have to give you a ticket, son.

Josh: No sir, you're going to have to give me two tickets.

Police Officer: What for?

Josh: Well, one for the faulty tail light. And one, FOR THIS! [attacks Drake as the episode ends]

Credits[]

Drake: [to Carly, while driving] Hey, wanna hear my CD?

Carly: Yeah, sure!

Drake: Here, take the wheel. [reaches behind the seat as Carly attempts to steer the wheel for him]

[The scene changes to Josh driving with his callous instructor]

Old Driving Instructor: Why aren't you parallel parking?

Josh: Am I supposed to?

Old Driving Instructor: Parallel park!

Josh: Parking!

Old Driving Instructor: And cut the sass.

Josh: Sorry.

[The scene changes to Josh sitting in the car, until his phone rings]

Josh: [answers it] Hello? Oh hi, Trevor... No, I don't wanna see your growth! Man, I don't care if it's still growing, put it back in the jar! [hangs up]

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