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Crazy Steve: [watch beeps] It's time... [snatches cane from an old man, holds it like a club and shouts] YOU ATE MY ENCHILADA!


Crazy Steve: [charges towards Josh] YOU ATE MY ENCHILADA!!!




Crazy Steve: [watch beeps] YOU ATE MY ENCHILADA!!!




[both scuffle with a mic stand, then Josh jumps off and runs]

Crazy Steve: [charges towards Josh] YOU ATE MY ENCHILADA!!!



[The scene cuts to the Parker-Nichols living room, where Megan is sitting on the couch and eating sushi, off of Drake's guitar... Drake and Josh come downstairs, walking into the living room.]

Josh: Oh, and hey, I got an idea for your album cover, alright? I picture you in the ocean, riding a black dolphin...

Drake: [to Megan] Wait-wait-wait-wait! Are you eating sushi off of my guitar?

Megan: Yeah.

Drake: Why?

Megan: Does it upset you?

Drake: Yes!

Megan: Well, that's why.

Drake: Yeah, yeah, yeah, you'd just better start being a little nicer to us.

Megan: And why would I do that?

Josh: Because, we're driving to LA today to meet with the head of Spin City Records.

Drake: Where I might just get a major record deal, which means I could become a big star.

Megan: Yeah... Or, you could bomb and spend the rest of your life living in the back of your car, eating dog food out of a can. Now honestly, which seems more realistic?

[The doorbell rings]

Audrey: [enters the living room] Walter, she's here...

Walter: Oh! [goes to the door]

Drake: Who's here?

Audrey: Helen, with her grandmother.

[The children dreadfully groan]

Walter: Hey, can we have a little better attitude about this? We're doing a nice thing for a sweet old lady.

[The door suddenly breaks open, as Helen's grandmother, Lula, storms inside]

Lula: Where's the bathroom?!

Audrey: [shocked] Did you just break our door in?

Lula: I rang the doorbell, I waited 25 seconds, nobody came, what was I supposed to do?!

Josh: Maybe ring the bell again?

Lula: [to Helen] Who's the boy with the big head, look like a toothpick with a cantaloupe on top?

[Megan and Drake laugh at her comment, as Josh gives the former an unamused look]

Megan: [notices Josh and stops laughing] Oh, what? Are we gonna pretend that wasn't funny?

Helen: Lula, that's Josh, he works for me at the Premiere. That's uh, Drake, I prefer him. That's Megan, Mrs. Parker, and this is, um, hmm... [forgets Walter's name]

Walter: [annoyed] Walter!

Helen: Hm.

Audrey: [to Lula] And uh, what do we call you?

Lula: Lula. Where's the bathroom?!

Audrey: [points to the bathroom] Uh, it's right there through that door.

Lula: Well, thank you for finally giving me that information! [goes to the bathroom]

Audrey: [to Helen] Is she always so...

Helen: Buh-bye! [leaves before Lula returns]

Walter: [sees Audrey crossing her arms at him] How bad can it be?

Megan: [to Walter] I can't believe that lady's staying in our guest room for a week!

Walter: She's not, she's going to stay in your room.

Megan: What?!

Audrey: You're gonna stay in the boys' room.

Drake/Josh/Megan: What?!

Josh: This is an outrage!

Drake: Where are we gonna stay?!

Walter: Your room's huge. The three of you will be fine for a week.

Megan: Oh, this is horrible!

Walter: It's not that bad.

[The sound of something breaking comes from the bathroom]

Lula: OH NO! [opens the door, marching up to the family] You people need a new toilet! [walks away]


Mindy: [to Helen] Well, thanks! I'm also having Leah lube all the film projectors, and I've got Crazy Steve steam cleaning the carpets.

[Crazy Steve stops near Helen and Mindy, turning off the steam cleaner]

Crazy Steve: [to them] I think of each stain as my father. [turns steam cleaner back on, shouting to a carpet stain] THIS IS FOR MAKING ME DO MOM'S LAUNDRY!


Mindy: [runs out of the theater, panicked and screaming] Help! Crazy Steve's gone berserk!

Josh/Helen: Crazy Steve?!

Mindy: Who else?!

Josh: It's Monday, you can't schedule Crazy Steve to work on a Monday.

Helen: Monday's his bad day!

Mindy: Well, no one told me that!

Crazy Steve: [exits while flailing his arms with shoes on bras, and shouts] COCK A DOODLE DOO, THE COW SAYS MOO! COCK A DOODLE DOO, THE COW SAYS MOO!

Helen: I'd better call the SWAT team!

Josh: No, no, no, no, no, no, I got this!

Mindy: Josh, don't!

Josh: Just stay back! Stay back! [to Crazy Steve] Hey, hey!

Crazy Steve: You ate my enchilada!

Josh: Wait, wait, wait, no, no, no. Okay... [sings] She'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes...

Crazy Steve: [sings] She'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes...

Josh/Crazy Steve: [both singing] She'll be comin' round the mountain, she'll be comin' round the mountain, she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes!

Crazy Steve: I'm sorry!

Josh: Oh it's okay!

Crazy Steve: I wanna stop!

Josh: I know, but Joshy's got you! Ahh! Ohhhhh!!!

Crazy Steve: Ohhh!!! Ahhh! Ohhh!

Josh: Alright, now would you go to the break room....

Crazy Steve: Mm-hmm.

Josh: ...and drink a carton of milk.

Crazy Steve: I promise.

Josh: Alright.