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This article covers the transcript for the season 3 episode Dr. Phyllis Show.

Opening[]

Drake and Josh: Sometimes, he just drives me insane!

Episode[]

Josh: That tears it! [grabs a pair of scissors, walking over to Drake's electric guitar]

Drake: Don't do it, Josh.

Josh: [cuts Drake's guitar strings] WHOOPS!

Drake: Okay, okay, you want to play it that way? [runs over and grabs Josh's photo of Oprah off the wall]

Josh: [furious] YOU GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY PICTURE OF OPRAH!

Drake: [shrugs] Fine. [drops the picture on the couch, proceeding to sit on it]

[Josh dramatically gasps in horror]

Drake: [rubs his butt against the picture] Oh yeah, that's right. No hands, me and Oprah, cheek to cheek! [stops, and gets up] YOU KNOW...

Josh: YOU ARE THE WORST BROTHER, EVER!

Drake: You're the one who started this, man!

[Drake and Josh continue to argue, as Megan storms into the room]

Megan: Hey! HEY! HEEEEEY!

Josh: What?

Megan: [venomously] It is 11:45 PM. I am a little girl. Little girls are supposed to be asleep at 11:45 PM. [normal] Now, this is the third night in a row that you clowns kept me up with your fighting. [Drake and Josh continue fighting] HEEEEEY! Here! [gives them tickets each]

Josh: What are these?

Megan: Tickets to the Dr. Phyllis Show. You guys are both going tomorrow after school. The topic is Bickering Brothers. Now, I'm going to go back to sleep and I don't want to hear another sound from this room. [leaves]

Drake: I don't wanna go on the Dr. Phyllis Show...

Josh: Why? 'Cause you're afraid she'll diagnose you as a BIG JERK?

Drake: Oh, I'm a jerk?!

Josh: YEAH! I said it, buddy!

[As they argue again, Megan comes back and puts a smoke bomb on their table. She activates it, leaving before it emits smoke that causes the brothers to collapse unconscious onto the couch]

[The intro plays]

-

[After all of Drake and Josh's flashbacks from the previous episodes were shown]

Dr. Phyllis: Unbelievable...

Drake and Josh: I know.

Dr. Phyllis: Bickering is one thing, but you two should be ashamed of yourselves for allowing it to escalate to physical confutations.

Josh: No! I will not share the blame here. I am the victim in this relationship.

Drake: Oh, how are you the victim?

Josh: You’re always trying to take advantage of me.

Drake: Ha!

Dr. Phyllis: Drake, come on, honestly. Do you ever take advantage of Josh just a little bit?

Drake: Well...

Josh: But not just me, he takes advantage of everyone.

Drake: Oh, name one time!

Josh: Okay, uhh... That girl, Liza.

Drake: Hot Liza?

Josh: Yeah, you totally dated her just to get your old girlfriend back.

Drake: That's an exasperation!

Josh: Exaggeration, read a book, would ya?!

Drake: No!

Dr. Phyllis: Josh, tell me a little bit more about Drake and this girl, Hot Liza.

Josh: I'm glad, to. See, Drake had just broken up with this girl, Tori. But he wanted her back. So, he thought he’d make her jealous by making out with this hot girl, Liza.

Dr. Phyliss: Drake, is this story true?

Drake: Well, yeah. But I totally learned my lesson, 'cause let me tell ya, Liza Tupper, worst kisser ever!

Josh: [awkward] I have heard that.

Dr. Phyllis: [surprised] Liza Tupper?

Drake: Yeah, and she's not the smartest wonton on the pu pu platter either, if you know what I'm saying!

Dr. Phyllis: You're saying she's dumb?

Drake: And a bad kisser!

Dr. Phyllis: [anger rising] Liza Tupper, happens to be my daughter...

Drake: [gets up] Oh, this is awkward.

[Dr. Phyllis gets up and pins down Drake, attacking him]

Drake: Josh, get her off of me! She's killing me!

[Josh tries to stop Dr. Phyllis, only for her to attack him as well]

Crew Member: [off-screen] Security!

Drake: [tries to get her off Josh] What are you doing?

[Dr. Phyllis traps Drake in a headlock, then traps Josh's neck in a scissor lock before bellowing in rage]

Josh: [struggles to breathe] Go to commercial! GO TO COMMERCIAL!

[The audience claps as the scene cuts to the living room at night, where Drake and Josh come home]

Drake: Oh, that was awesome! We got into a street fight with Dr. Phyllis, right on her show!

Josh: Insanity! Hey, I'm going to grab a drink, you want one?

Drake: Yeah, sure. [jumps onto the couch] Man, she almost crushed your neck with that scissor lock!

Josh: [in the kitchen] I know! [looks in the fridge] Hey uh, Moca Cola cool?

Drake: Yeah, perfect.

[Josh grabs two cans and closes the fridge, walking back to Drake]

Drake: You know what really bugged me about being on her show?

Josh: What's that? [tosses a can to him]

Drake: [puts it on the table] Well I mean, you know, she only made us talk about the bad times between us.

Josh: Yeah, we're not always fighting.

Drake: No way.

Josh: We do nice stuff for each other.

Drake: Totally.

Josh: Shall we reminisce?

Drake: Let's.

[The two begin to reminisce, as a scene from Football, plays]

[A scene from Mindy's Back, plays]

[A scene from Little Sibling, plays]

[The ending scene from Little Sibling, plays]

[A scene from Pool Shark, plays]

Drake and Josh: HUG ME, BROTHA! [they both hug each other]

[A scene from Mean Teacher plays]

Drake: [rushes over to Josh] Hug me, brotha! [jumps into his arms, hugging him]

[A scene from The Drake & Josh Inn plays, when Drake gets everyone out of the house]

Josh: Now hug me, brotha!

[They both hug, as a scene from Drew and Jerry plays]

Josh: [to Drake] Quick one?

[They hug for a second before separating, as the scene returns to the present]

Drake and Josh: Yeah...

Drake: Alright, a toast, to the best brother I've ever had. [clinks his can with Josh]

Josh: Back at ya, brother.

Drake: [drinks it, before stopping] Ugh, this is diet. Here, switch with me.

Josh: No, you already took a sip.

Drake: So?

Josh: So, I don't want to drink your backwash.

Drake: Don't be such a priss.

Josh: [irritated] I'm not a priss.

Drake: Then switch with me.

Josh: No!

Drake: Come on man, you know I hate diet!

Josh: Are you really going to get mad about this?

Drake: You're always doing this, man!

Josh: I'm always doing this?

Drake: This is what I'm talking about!

[As they argue, yet again... Megan enters the room and puts a smoke bomb on the coffee table, which she activates. She leaves as it emits smoke, that sends the brothers falling onto the couch unconscious, as the episode ends]

Credits[]

[A clip montage of season 3 plays, from the episodes Helen's Surgery, Alien Invasion, We're Married, Sheep Thrills, Mindy's Back, and finally, The Demonator. Specifically, the last scene is where Drake and Josh are rehearsing for the ride, until Megan enters the room]

Megan: What is this, some new kind of boob dance?

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