Drake and Josh Wiki


Drake: So I've been dating this new girl who goes to my school.

Josh: Drake's been dating this new girl who goes to our school

Drake and Josh: Her name is Susan.

Drake: She is cool, she is funny, she is awesome!

Josh: She is cool, she is funny, she is awesome.

Josh: I'm telling ya, this girl is all Drake's been thinking about.

Drake and Josh: Susan, Susan, Susan!

Drake: I wonder if I'm in love.

Josh: I've seen Susan around school, but I haven't like formally met her yet.

Drake and Josh: Anyway..

Josh: I wonder where Drake is with our pizza.

Drake: I can not believe I ate an entire pizza.

(Scene cues to Drake and Josh's garage)

Josh: Come on! We gotta think of something.

Drake: Would you relax?

Josh: No! This project counts for like half of our final grade.

Josh: Ooh! I got it!

Drake: Go.

Josh: Ok. We do a detailed study on the reproductive habits of lizards.

Drake: I'm not doing anything that involves me watching lizards make out.

Josh: Fine.

Josh: Ooh, how about--

Drake: No.

Josh: A music video?

Drake: Yes.

Josh: Of your band!

Drake: Yes.

Josh: And I'll direct it!

Drake: Maybe!

Josh: Maybe?

Drake: Look, can you direct a music video?

Josh: Who do you think videotaped Mike Rami's piano recital at the home of the old?

Drake: Ok, you're the director. Oh and hey, we can put Susan in the video.

Josh: Why should your girlfriend be in it?

Drake: Cause she's pretty...

Josh: (sighs) Ok, fine. Your girlfriend can be in our video.

Drake: You're pretty too...

Josh: Stop that!

Drake: Hey, which one of my guitars do you think will look best on-camera?

Josh: I don't know.

(The two are splat with purple paint)

Drake and Josh: Megan!

Drake and Josh intro plays

(Scene cues to Belleview High School)

Josh: Ok, here's my vision. I see your band in a desert, you know the sun beats down, little creatures scampers by. Perhaps, uh I don't know, a lizard.

Drake: Oh, oh, here's my vision. I don't care about your vision. The video should show off my band.

Susan: Hi, Drake.

Drake: And Susan.

(Drake and Susan kiss)

Drake: Hey, how'd the algebra test go?

Susan: Not great, I couldn't concentrate.

Drake: Ohh, How come?

Susan: Cause I was thinking about you.

(Drake and Susan kiss)

Josh: Ahem, Ahem.

Drake: You know you should really go to the bathroom and cough that up.

Josh: Cute. Hello!

Drake: Oh, uh, Susan. This is Josh, Josh, Susan.

Susan: Hiii, Josh.

Josh: Nice to officially meet you.

(Bell rings)

Drake: Oh, hey I-I gotta get to class.

Drake: Bye, gorgeous. I'll miss ya.

Josh: Oh, I'll miss you too. Bye sweetie pea! (Josh blows kiss)

(Drake rolls his eyes)

Susan: Heeheehee, you are so funny.

Josh: (giggles and blushes) Nah.

Susan: Yeah you are. (Susan feels Josh's shirt) Ooh, what kind of shirt is this?

Josh: I think it's an XL.

Susan: (laughs), It is so soft.

Josh: Well I am a huge fan of the dryer sheet.

Susan: (laughs) I don't know why Drake never told me how funny and cute you are.

Susan: (laughs) Oh, hey, do you know you have some purple paint right here?

(Susan gets the paint off of Josh's neck)

Susan: Oh, all gone. (Susan touches Josh's hair) I'll see you later, Josh.

Josh: (cracked voice) Okie-Dokie.

(Josh cleans his face off with water from the bubbler)

(Scene cues to Drake and Josh's bathroom)

Josh: Hello Mr. Alligator, Well, hello there. Hey, you want to hear a funny story? Ok. I'm going to eat you. Grr-rrr, Aah!

(Megan unlocks the bathroom door and spies on Josh)

Josh: You didn’t see that coming, did you? Ho Ho Ho! Merry Bathtub! Have you been a good boy this year? No? Well then under you go.

(Megan records Josh playing toys in the bathtub)

Josh: Ooh, time to shave. (makes electric razor noises)

Josh: (sings) ♫Shaving in the bathtub! Say what? Shaving in the bathtub!♫ (makes electric razor noises) Take it, Gator. (using deep voice) ♫Shaving in the bathtub♫. (makes electric razor noises)

(Scene cues to Drake and Josh's bedroom)

(Josh dances)

Josh: Aah!

Josh: Ha! Susan!

Susan: Hi, Josh!

Josh: Sorry about my nakedness.

(Susan steps closer to Josh)

Josh: Where’s Drake?

Susan: Josh, you don’t need to be nervous around me. (Susan feels Josh's arm) Ooh, big biceps. Do you work out?

(Josh drops his skateboard on his foot)

Josh: Ooh! Aah!

Josh: Oh! With the pain in the toe!

Susan? Oh, are you okay?

(Josh falls backwards onto the couch)

Josh: Aah!

Drake: Josh, what are you doing? Put some clothes on. My girlfriend's in the room.

Josh: Right. I didn't know she was- (Josh tries catching his breath) until she-- and-- (Josh slides across the room to his dresser)

Josh: (grabs shirt) I'll just be… in here--.

Drake: I told you, sometimes he can be a little, you know, Josh-ish.

Josh: Could somebody please hand me my underwear?

(Susan rolls her eyes sarcastically)

(Scene cues into Drake and Josh's living room)

Josh: Hey, you guys. Umm. Can I ask you something?

Audrey: Yeah, Josh.

Walter: What's up, son?

Josh: What do you think of Drake's new girlfriend?

Audrey: Oh, Susan? She seems like a friendly girl.

Josh: Yeah… Maybe… a little too friendly.

Walter: What do you mean?


Audrey: Of course she likes you.

Walter: What's not to like?

Josh: No, I mean she liiiiiiiikes me. You know, like, ooh remember that show on The Animal channel where the female giraffe "liked" the male giraffe? So she started--

Audrey and Walter: We understand! We understand!

Walter: Look, son, Susan's a pretty girl, and sometimes attractive girls get us guys a little flustered.

Audrey: I think what your father is trying to say is that Susan is being friendly to you because you're Drake's new brother.

Walter: And because you're a fun and charming young man.

Josh: Yeah, you’re probably right. Thanks. I got to go direct our video.

Audrey: Want to watch The Animal channel?

Walter: Where's the remote? Ha ha!

(Horse whinnies)

(Scene cues to Drake and Josh's garage)

Josh: Ok, Drake, camera's all set.

Josh: (notices Susan beside him) Ah!

Drake: All right, Susan, you know what to do, right?

Susan: Dance around, and look good.

Drake: You always do. Let's do this!

Josh: Rolling! and… action!

Drake: This one's for Susan.

Drake: 1, 2, 3, 4… (music starts playing) (sings) ♫The girl next door is not the girl next door♫

Rina: (sings) ♫The girl next door♫

Drake: (sings) ♫The girl next door is not the girl next door♫

(Susan touches Josh)

Drake: (sings) ♫She's the girl I'd stay home for. She doesn’t know that I’m breathing♫

(Susan touches Josh's back)

Drake: (sings) ♫She doesn't know that I'm alive. She doesn't know what I'm dreaming. When I see that she's turned out her lights.♫

(Josh backs away from Susan as she goes closer to him)

Drake: (sings) ♫And does she see me like I see her. More than just the boy next door♫

(Susan touches Josh's upper back)

Drake: (sings) ♫The girl next door is not the girl next door♫

(Susan touches Josh's lower back)

Josh: Oh! (Drops camera)

(Music stops)

Josh: Ok, and.. Cut!

Scene cues to Drake and Josh's bedroom

Drake: Josh, I was just looking over the footage we shot. I'm not sure you got enough of Susan.

Josh: Oh, I got plenty of Susan.

Josh: Drake, could you help me with this letter for my Miss. Nancy advice column?

Drake: Sure, read it.

Josh: Ok, the guy writes "Dear Miss. Nancy, my stepbrother has a new girlfriend, named Pusan". "She keeps flirting with me behind my brother's back." Uh, "How do I tell my brother about this problem I'm having with… Pusan?"

Drake: Um.. would this "Pusan" have anything to do with my Susan?

Josh: Yeah, it's true. I think that Susan… you know… wants me.

Drake: (laughs crazily)

Josh: Hey! I'm serious here.

Drake: Look, look, I think it's cute that you have a little crush on Susan.

Josh: She has a crush on me, and it ain't little!

Drake: Josh, I'm sure you thought Susan was hitting on you.

Josh: I know when a girl wants me. I've imagined it a thousand times!

Drake: Ok, ok. I'll talk to her.

Josh: Seriously?!

Drake: No, but thanks for the laughs.

Josh: Wait, where are you going?

Drake: I’ve got a date with… Pusan.

(Scene cues to Drake and Josh's living room)

(Doorbell rings)

Josh: Coming.

(Josh opens the front door, and it's...)

Josh: Ah! Susan! Drake’s not home.

Susan: I thought we were going to shoot more stuff for the video today.

(Josh blocks Susan off with chair)

Josh: Uh, we are. But Drake stopped at Paul's house on the way home. You could head over there if you want.

Susan: I don't know where Paul lives.

Josh: That way!

Susan: I'm bad with directions.

Josh: I could lend you my compass.

(Josh lunges onto the couch)

Susan: Josh! Are you all right? You seem tense.

Josh: Well, Pusan-- I mean Susan, uh, ah… I've been noticing some signals.

Susan: What do you mean?

Josh: You know, signals, like a female giraffe might give a male giraffe. It seems like you've been flirting with me, but I'm sure it's unintentional.

Susan: Josh, It's not unintentional at all.

Josh: I knew it!

(Susan grabs the top of Josh's shirt)

Josh: (squeaks)

(Susan pulls Josh towards her to fully kiss him)

'(Drake and his bandmates walk into the house)

Drake: (shocked at what he sees) Susan!!?

Susan: (Pulls away from Josh, feigning distress) Ew! Josh! What are you trying to do? I'm Drake's girlfriend! (turns to Drake) Oh Drake, you're here!

Drake: Drake! I.. It's not what you think! Just one second, (turns away) Dear lord, thank you so much for my very first kiss, amen. (turns back to Drake) Drake, I swear, it's not what you think.

(Scene cues back to Drake and Josh's living room, showing Megan with her video camera)

(Megan records Drake)

Drake: (makes electric guitar noises) Thank you San Diego! Give it up and make some noise for the Drake! Oh, yeeaaahhh! (Drake drops candle)

(Josh walks in through the back door)

Josh: Hey, Drake.

(Drake runs into the kitchen after seeing Josh)

Josh: Drake! Drake, she kissed me! It was a drive-by smoochin'. You've gotta believe me.

(Drake takes Josh's sunglasses and puts them into the blender)

(Josh takes his sunglasses out of the blender)

Josh: Well, thank you for pureeing my sunglasses. Feel better now?

Drake: No, because I still live with a traitor who kissed my girlfriend.

Josh: But she kissed me. Why won't you believe me? I'm your brother.

Drake: Brothers don't try and steal each other's girlfriends.

Josh: But I didn't even try--

Drake: You stay away from her, ok?

Josh: But she's the one--

Drake: Stay away from me, too.

(Josh lets out a frustrated sigh)

'(Josh puts on his broken sunglasses depressed)

(Scene cues at Belleview High School)

Josh: Susan, I demand that you tell Drake the truth. You kissed me and you know it.

Susan: I'm sorry, but I can't help it. You're just sooo adorable.

Josh: Curse my boyish charm! Look if I get--

Susan: Shh. Here I got these for you.

(Susan hands Josh daisies)

Josh: Oh, well, I do love daisies, but I can't accept these, because--

(Drake walks down the hallway)

Susan: Josh! I can't accept these! My heart belongs to Drake!

(Josh looks at Drake)

Josh: Oh, come on!

Drake: Unbelievable! I told you to stay away from her.

Josh: But, I didn't, she--

Drake: Let's get out of here.

(Drake and Susan walk off)

Josh: At least I get to keep the daisies. (smells daisies)

(Drake runs back to Josh angrily and destroys Josh's daisies by shutting the locker on them and giving back Josh the stems)

Josh: But.. uh, uh.

(Drake and Susan walk away, while Susan blows Josh a kiss)

Scene cues to Drake and Josh's bedroom

Josh: Hello…. Hello!

(Drake throws his sweatshirt at Josh's face)

Josh: If you’re going to ignore me, how are we going to finish our music video project?

Drake: I’ll finish it myself, now take whatever you need and leave, because Susan's on her way over, and I don't want you around while she’s here.

Josh: Are you really going to let some crazy girl ruin our brothership?

Drake: So now you're calling my girlfriend crazy.

Josh: Yeah, and I can prove it. When Susan gets here, you hide in the closet and see for yourself how she acts when you're not around.

Drake: Forget it!

(Susan knocks on the bedroom door)

Susan: Drake?

Josh: Come on, just one chance. If I'm lying, I'll move out of this room and live outside in the big tree, despite my fear of squirrels. Please!

Drake: Ok, fine! You have 30 seconds!

(Susan knocks again)

Susan: Drake!

Susan: Hi Josh, Where's Drake?

Josh: Not home.

(Camera pans to his backpack and belongings)

Josh: Ha, no he's not. It's just me and you. Alone.

Susan: Oh. Well, then, Where is he?

Josh: I don’t know, but he won't be home for quite a while.

(Josh slides closer to Susan)

Josh: Oh, look at that. There's my knee right next to your hand. Come on, we both know you find me adorable.

Susan: This is getting a little uncomfortable.

Josh: Uncomfortably hot?

'(Susan acts "scared")

Josh: Come on. Come get a heaping helping of Joshie.

'(Josh goes right up to Susan)

Susan: Josh!

Drake: That's it Josh! It's over!

Josh: But she was just about to crack!

Susan: Okay, Drake, I am so glad you're here. He has this insane idea that I'm attracted to him.

Drake: Pack up your junk, and be out of here before I get back! Come on, Suze.

Susan: Oops, I forgot my purse.

(Susan reaches for her purse on top of Josh's lap and gives Josh a kiss)

Susan: You're cute. (Susan blows a kiss on her way out)

Josh: Oh, come on!

(Scene cues to Belleview High School)

Josh: What's she doing in this class?

Susan: Drake wanted me to see the premiere of his music video project.

Mr. Hedzog: Ok, please take your seats.

Drake: Traitor!

Josh: Cheater!

Susan: Liar!

Josh: Crazy girl who flirts with me and then lies about it!

Mr. Hedzog: Drake, Josh, since you two want to be the center of attention, why don't we start with your project?

Josh: As the director of the video you're about to see, I hope you'll notice some of the imagery that I thought was--

Drake: Here we go.

(Drake turns the lights off and the music video project begins)

(Josh's bathtub scene plays on the TV)

Josh: (shocked and embarrassed) You videotaped me in the bathtub?

Drake: It wasn't me.

(Megan appears on the TV)

Megan: Ha Ha!

(Josh and Susan about to kiss appears on the TV)

Josh: Drake, wait!

(Susan pulls Josh in for a kiss scene appears on the TV, much to Susan's shock)

The entire classroom: Whoa!!!!!!

Susan: Drake! That's not what it looks like!

Drake: Yeah, neither are you.

Josh: Uh, Mr. Hedzog, if I may, I'd just like to say… BUSTED!

Susan: Drake, did you hear what he just said to me?

Drake: Yeah, I think he said… busted!

(Susan angrily runs out of the classroom)

(Scene cues to Drake and Josh's bedroom)

Drake: Your little prank almost ruined our whole grade.

Megan: I'm sorry.

Josh: You do not film a person when he's in the bathtub and whatnot.

Megan: I'm sorry.

Drake: But most of all, we want to say thanks.

Megan: I'm-- (becomes shocked) what?

Josh: Your dumb prank proved that I was telling the truth about-- just thanks, ok?

Megan: So, does this mean you're not going to tell mom and dad?

Drake: That's right.

Josh: Your little punishment is that your little stunt actually helped us. Ha ha!

Megan: Well, tomorrow's another day.

Josh: She frightens me.

(Scene cues to Belleview High School)

(Bell rings)

Drake: Hey, Susan.

Susan: What? You guys going to tell me off now?

Drake: No, we're not going to yell at you.

Josh: Though you do deserve it.

Susan: Hey, it's not my fault that I was attracted to both of you guys. But now. I wouldn't date either one of you. So, see ya.

Josh: Fair enough.

Drake: No hard feelings.

Josh: Be well.

Drake: Good day.

Josh: I think we handled that very maturely.

Drake: Yes, that felt good.

(Purple paint splats one her face)

Susan: Oh!

(Drake and Josh both look back at Susan)

Susan: Phht!

Drake: That felt better.

Josh: Yeah it did!

Susan: Grrr!!